Picking Names

Although we’ve tentatively decided on names for the boys, we haven’t solidified anything yet. I doubt we’d make changes this late in the game, but you never know. However, I’ve been referring to these names for a few weeks now when I talk to them.

I imagined myself calling out these names in different scenarios which got me thinking: You should have to do each of the following before deciding what you are going to name your child:

Also not me. But AAAAWE! Cute.

  -   Say the name while smiling. This is how it should sound when baby is first born and you get to see him for the first time.

  -   Repeat the name with pursed lips and squinty eyes. Does it still have a nice ring to it? This will probably be how it’s spoken during times of frustration or impatience.

  -   Try it again, but this time, go somewhere like a park and scream the name at the top of your lungs. This is good practice to hear how it will sound when you are, in a few years, calling him home for dinner or otherwise trying to locate your missing child. Or about to murder him because he's covered his entire room with spray paint, crayons, marker and baby powder.

  -   Ask the name in the form of a question, adding inflection at the end. You’ll need to know how this one sounds so you’ll be prepared when the principal calls you in to say your little cherub decided it would be fun to flush his teacher’s cell phone down the toilet (Hank? My little Hank did that?).

  -   Google it. Not even kidding. You need to know if there are existing whack-o’s out there with the name you intend to bestow upon your little one. I went to school with a Michael Jackson, Chris Krinkle and Holly Barry. Sometimes fame comes to those after you’ve already picked your name, but still, if you can avoid a casualty beforehand, that always helps.

You don't want your kid to be either of
these guys, but especially not the pooped-
his-pants red head.



-     Picture yourself as an 8 year old bully, running around the playground reciting clever little limericks. Are there any potential teases that could come out of the name? Remember to consider initials, too. Try to avoid these: I.C.P., P.P., B.J. (although this one might not be noticed until middle school or so), B.M., W.T.F., etc. You get the idea. As far as the clever rhymes: Just stay away from anything that rhymes with pee, poo, loser, lame, fat, dumb or fart (sorry, Bart).

-     Now imagine you are going to see your doctor, lawyer, or you’re reading an article about a successful physicist. Does the name make you feel comfortable or make you wonder if they got their degree from the earn-your-degree-from-home-in-your-pajamas kind of college? If so, you may want to reconsider the name. After all, we all want our little ones to grow up to be big successes so they can afford to keep our butts changed and mouths fed when we are residing at Shady Lakes Retirement Home.