Uncertainty

I’ve been left alone with my thoughts quite often as of late. Because of this, I’ve been thinking –no, make that over thinking – about every detail of the next 3 or 4 years of my life.
 

I’ve also gained all of these irrational fears about the baby and its safety. I guess that’s parenthood. I just didn’t expect it to start this soon. I’ve never been a big worrier. As a matter of fact, I’ve considered myself an optimist. I’ve been step-parenting for over 3 years now. I love all of those kids. But I’ve never understood this worry that my husband constantly has about them. I was able to look at it from a rational point of view and see that things would be ok and there was no sense in looking for the worst case scenario. But now, that’s exactly what I’m doing! It’s quite annoying.

The morning sickness is getting increasingly worse. It’s now a constant nagging feeling of queasiness. I don’t mind it too much, though. I haven’t thrown up yet (emphasis on yet) but I’m taking it with a grain of salt. I’m happy to be with child. I came so close to not being able to experience pregnancy. Granted, I still could have been a mother, but without the special experiences of growing my very own baby. Kind of like buying your produce from the market vs. growing your own garden at home. You’re grateful and happy either way for the food, but it’s pretty cool when you grew it yourself.

Even though I’m drinking water like crazy, my lips and skin are constantly dry. I now have to wake up in the middle of the night to pee (only one time, for now). I get dizzy quite easily and have to hold walls and things for balance. These are more of those symptoms that I did expect at some point, but I really did not think they would come so soon. They are, in some ways, reassuring to me. I keep thinking as long as I keep feeling all of these expected “side effects”, the pregnancy must be on the right track and everything is normal.

The reality has not set in yet about the finality of this situation. My husband and I have started talking about future plans, big things, like which room will be the baby’s room, names, etc. But it just doesn’t feel real. Perhaps part of that is because my belly is not showing yet. Another part is I’ve been wanting/planning on a baby for about 7 years but it’s never happened. It’s been in the background of my life for so long that it’s hard to imagine in 8 months (nay, make that 7 months and 2 and a half weeks) it will be here.