Sunday, April 1

Kind of a Sad Day

Yesterday, Kevin and I went to see Oliver's grave marker. It arrived earlier this week and had been installed a couple of days ago so we decided to go down and take a look. I think it turned out really nice.

It's still difficult to think about it. Some of the time, I'm able to block it out and go through my days without thinking about it too much, but then there are times where the reality of losing this baby hits me and there's nothing to explain how it feels other than it really, really sucks.

The hardest part for me wasn't just losing Oliver, but losing everything that came with twins. Having one baby was a compromise Kevin and I made long before ever getting pregnant but being blessed with two babies at once seemed like a perfect loophole to the compromise.

It's a struggle sometimes to find a balance of letting myself be sad about Oliver but also allowing myself to be happy with Charlie. I don't want to do a disservice to either one of them, but I do remind myself that they are separate, individual people and it's no different than mourning the loss of one loved one while still being surrounded by others who are still living.

There's a lot to the healing process of losing a child. It's been nearly 5 months and there are still some moments that it feels as if it just happened. Other times I can't help but succumb to the "what if's". There are so many! I have never really been a person who lives my life looking backwards and wishing I'd done something differently or regretted my decisions because I live my life believing in fate and that I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not done and gone through what I have. But this particular event has shaken those belief's and made me feel more regret, sorrow and pain than I've ever known in my life.

Even wih all of this, though, I would not change what we did. I was so grateful and filled with joy when we finally heard the words "you're pregnant" and although the game has made a few last minute changes, I have a beautiful, healthy and happy baby boy that I get to wrap in my arms every day. I'm not saying if I could change what happened I wouldn't - I want to hold both of my babies and cover them with kisses. But, I do realize I am not living the worst case scenario. And although it is still difficult to accept the fates on this one, I love my family and feel very thankful to have a husband that loves me enough to take these risks with me, even if it means altering his own plans and being vulnerable to pain.

Charlie's socks are the matching set to the one's Emilee also got
for Oliver for Christmas.

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