Am I Doing This Right?

I've been meaning to blog about this for a while. It's something I've been anticipating. But I expected it to manifest differently.

I am now a complete worrier. I expected the worries to be more about the overall safety of the baby. You know, the kind of unfounded fears such as accidentally dropping a pot of boiling water on his legs while making hard boiled eggs or fearing he'll be nabbed at the gas station while I'm pumping gas. But, turns out, I'm more worried about how what I am doing is affecting him.

For example, these are daily, if not hourly, thoughts I have:

"Am I holding him enough?
"If I lay him down, is it going to affect our bond?"
"Is he on his back too much?"
"Is he going to end up with autism because I didn't stimulate him enough?"
"Are we playing often enough?"
"Does he know I'm his mom?"
"Is he going to end up liking the nanny better than me?"
"He finally stopped crying - does that mean he can't breathe and he's suffocating in his crib?"

And, of course, the inevitable: "Am I a good mom?"

These are just a few examples, but I go through this every day. It's kind of like this. Imagine yourself dying of thirst for hours upon hours, then the hours turn in to days, and you haven't had a drink in over 48 hours. You're on the verge of death when suddenly, you're given a yummy fruit punch juice box. You're so excited to finally get the juice box because you've been dying to have a drink for so long, so you drink it all at once and then it's gone before you know it and you failed to enjoy each drop because you were too thirsty to pay attention. In a nutshell, that's my biggest "mom" fear.

It all seems silly when I write it down of course. And I am pretty sure I'm a good mom. But now I get it. I get why mom's are worriers. Because you don't want to be the one to blame for a degenerate in society. You want the best for your babies. You don't want them to feel pain or be sad or experience tragedy. I get it.

Charlie is rolling over now. Front to back, back to front. He also LOVES sucking his fingers. So much, that he occasionally gags himself. Like today, we went on our walk, and he was trying so hard to stay awake but he ultimately gave in to sleep. He forgot to take his fingers out of his mouth, though, and as his head slumped forward, the fingers went down the throat. Poor baby.

Kind of a Sad Day

Yesterday, Kevin and I went to see Oliver's grave marker. It arrived earlier this week and had been installed a couple of days ago so we decided to go down and take a look. I think it turned out really nice.

It's still difficult to think about it. Some of the time, I'm able to block it out and go through my days without thinking about it too much, but then there are times where the reality of losing this baby hits me and there's nothing to explain how it feels other than it really, really sucks.

The hardest part for me wasn't just losing Oliver, but losing everything that came with twins. Having one baby was a compromise Kevin and I made long before ever getting pregnant but being blessed with two babies at once seemed like a perfect loophole to the compromise.

It's a struggle sometimes to find a balance of letting myself be sad about Oliver but also allowing myself to be happy with Charlie. I don't want to do a disservice to either one of them, but I do remind myself that they are separate, individual people and it's no different than mourning the loss of one loved one while still being surrounded by others who are still living.

There's a lot to the healing process of losing a child. It's been nearly 5 months and there are still some moments that it feels as if it just happened. Other times I can't help but succumb to the "what if's". There are so many! I have never really been a person who lives my life looking backwards and wishing I'd done something differently or regretted my decisions because I live my life believing in fate and that I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not done and gone through what I have. But this particular event has shaken those belief's and made me feel more regret, sorrow and pain than I've ever known in my life.

Even wih all of this, though, I would not change what we did. I was so grateful and filled with joy when we finally heard the words "you're pregnant" and although the game has made a few last minute changes, I have a beautiful, healthy and happy baby boy that I get to wrap in my arms every day. I'm not saying if I could change what happened I wouldn't - I want to hold both of my babies and cover them with kisses. But, I do realize I am not living the worst case scenario. And although it is still difficult to accept the fates on this one, I love my family and feel very thankful to have a husband that loves me enough to take these risks with me, even if it means altering his own plans and being vulnerable to pain.

Charlie's socks are the matching set to the one's Emilee also got
for Oliver for Christmas.