We Be Movin'

Charlie had his most recent set of shots on Friday. He's had two sets of shots before now with little to no side effects but this time, he's been miserable. He had a fever of 102 degrees that night and has been fighting it off ever since. Even though he obviouly feels terrible, he's a good sport.

Kevin spent some time vacuuming this afternoon so I decided to take advantage of the clean floor to let Charlie spread out and roll around. While on his tummy, he started doing some jerking and kicking around and made his very first crawl movement. He's still a ways from actually crawling, but he is definitely moving in that direction (ha, pun).

He has been extra snuggly this week, letting me hold and cradle him while we rock in the chair. He is gaining interest in his books and loves story time. He's also more aware of his surroundings when we take walks and car rides.

I guess it didn't occur to me until recently that he's not really around new people very often. He's been held by a couple of strangers in the last week or so and let's just say he didn't exactly love it. Not that I want him to be a mama's boy or anything, but it's kind of sweet to be the one to comfort him.

His latest accomplishment is that he is now able to sit unassisted for about ten seconds before toppling over. And, he is finally interested in peek-a-boo. His doctor said it's a bit early for him to be interested in that so I guess it just shows what a genius he is.

The Well Has Run Dry



Charlie has just about outgrown his baby bath. He loves to
try to touch the water and seems fascinated with it.

I'm so thankful Charlie sleeps through the night. It is blissful to not wake up 2, 3, or 4 times during the night anymore. But, every action has a consequence.
Once Charlie stopped waking up to eat, I stopped waking up, too. That meant a longer interval between boob feeding which in turn meant loss of stimulation. So my milk supply was quickly drying up. Within a week, I went from producing 12-14 ounces to a mere 3 or 4 ounces. Even though I was feeding and/or pumping every 3 hours, I just couldn't seem to make any more.

It got even worse. Even the milk I would pump, he wouldn't eat it. Maybe it tasted funny. I don't know. I didn't taste it.


I took this one earlier this morning. Even though it's spring,
it's still chilly outside. This hat makes me laugh.

However, he is now consistently eating solids. Although he tolerates the oatmeal, he seems to like bananas and pears the best. The peaches are too sour and he did not like carrots at all.

We will be going to the 6 month appointment next week. 6 months seems to be a big milestone. He's eating solids, can almost sit up by himself and will probably be itching to crawl soon. That means it's time to get the carpets cleaned.

We were comparing Kevin's baby pictures to Charlie and he is, without a doubt, Kevin's kid. Not that there was a doubt about it in the first place - but it's pretty definitive based on looks alone.

This is Kevin with his mom back in 1971. Throw a hat on
Charlie and this could be him.

Another one of Kevin as a baby.

Charlie was just over 5 months here. Now that he knows what
he's doing, he loves to bounce in his chair.

This was about the time he figured out he had a tongue.

And this was at Liberty Park a couple of weeks ago. He had
more fun than he appears to be having in the picture.

Rock a Bye

It has been a busy couple of weeks. We had visits from two sets of grandparents, I initiated a wellness program at work and I got my hair did.

Charlie is gearing up for his 6 month appointment. 6 months! When did that happen? His personality has blossomed. He occasionally giggles now, but he's quite ticklish. He seems to recognize us more, although I love this age - he sees anyone smiling and is instantly happy. I took him to work with me last Friday and he loved seeing all the new faces! We also went to visit Kevin at work and, although he was getting a bit crabby, he was still such a good boy for all of Kevin's co-workers.

Now I'm going to brag. Charlie is a champion sleeper. I mean, serious champ. He is ready for bed around 7, and sleeps all through the night. He doesn't wake up until 6 or 7 in the morning which is perfect as it gives us some time to spend together before I go to work. AND, we do actually have a routine now! It's like magic.

7:00 Wake up time - extra cuddles and play time
7:15 Boob time (my supply is just about dried up, but I still have to pump/feed about three times a day)
7:30 Diaper change, breakfast for mom, play time for Charlie
8:00 Cuddle/play time
8:30 Nap time, mom gets ready for the day
9:30 Charlie wakes up, diaper and clothes
10:30 Mom goes to work

On the days I stay home, we're still trying to get the hang of the afternoon. He is still taking three naps a day usually, about an hour each. At first I thought this was too much sleep. I mean, I know he's still an infant, but that's about 16 hours a day of sleep. Doesn't that seem like a lot? But I guess it's not. And he is SO MUCH happier when he sleeps well.

While we're on the subject of sleep, check out how Charlie sleeps.

Usually, he is on his belly. Often, his face is buried in the softness of his bumpers. Trust me, I am the first to acknowledge how alarming this is. I have tried moving him, rolling him, taking everything out, putting him to sleep with a soft animal and taking it out...many things to try and comfort him to sleep but keep him safe in the night. He just wakes up as soon as the "softies" are gone. He will not stay asleep otherwise. So, I stare with a hawk's eye at my video monitor quite a bit during the night and haven't slept soundly in ages, but he is old enough to roll over and seems to be breathing just fine, even when on his tummy or squished in the corner.

I've lost 9 pounds since I started in March. It's a far cry from the total I am aiming for, but my clothes are fitting much better and I can fit in just about all of my pre-baby clothes. 

Am I Doing This Right?

I've been meaning to blog about this for a while. It's something I've been anticipating. But I expected it to manifest differently.

I am now a complete worrier. I expected the worries to be more about the overall safety of the baby. You know, the kind of unfounded fears such as accidentally dropping a pot of boiling water on his legs while making hard boiled eggs or fearing he'll be nabbed at the gas station while I'm pumping gas. But, turns out, I'm more worried about how what I am doing is affecting him.

For example, these are daily, if not hourly, thoughts I have:

"Am I holding him enough?
"If I lay him down, is it going to affect our bond?"
"Is he on his back too much?"
"Is he going to end up with autism because I didn't stimulate him enough?"
"Are we playing often enough?"
"Does he know I'm his mom?"
"Is he going to end up liking the nanny better than me?"
"He finally stopped crying - does that mean he can't breathe and he's suffocating in his crib?"

And, of course, the inevitable: "Am I a good mom?"

These are just a few examples, but I go through this every day. It's kind of like this. Imagine yourself dying of thirst for hours upon hours, then the hours turn in to days, and you haven't had a drink in over 48 hours. You're on the verge of death when suddenly, you're given a yummy fruit punch juice box. You're so excited to finally get the juice box because you've been dying to have a drink for so long, so you drink it all at once and then it's gone before you know it and you failed to enjoy each drop because you were too thirsty to pay attention. In a nutshell, that's my biggest "mom" fear.

It all seems silly when I write it down of course. And I am pretty sure I'm a good mom. But now I get it. I get why mom's are worriers. Because you don't want to be the one to blame for a degenerate in society. You want the best for your babies. You don't want them to feel pain or be sad or experience tragedy. I get it.

Charlie is rolling over now. Front to back, back to front. He also LOVES sucking his fingers. So much, that he occasionally gags himself. Like today, we went on our walk, and he was trying so hard to stay awake but he ultimately gave in to sleep. He forgot to take his fingers out of his mouth, though, and as his head slumped forward, the fingers went down the throat. Poor baby.

Kind of a Sad Day

Yesterday, Kevin and I went to see Oliver's grave marker. It arrived earlier this week and had been installed a couple of days ago so we decided to go down and take a look. I think it turned out really nice.

It's still difficult to think about it. Some of the time, I'm able to block it out and go through my days without thinking about it too much, but then there are times where the reality of losing this baby hits me and there's nothing to explain how it feels other than it really, really sucks.

The hardest part for me wasn't just losing Oliver, but losing everything that came with twins. Having one baby was a compromise Kevin and I made long before ever getting pregnant but being blessed with two babies at once seemed like a perfect loophole to the compromise.

It's a struggle sometimes to find a balance of letting myself be sad about Oliver but also allowing myself to be happy with Charlie. I don't want to do a disservice to either one of them, but I do remind myself that they are separate, individual people and it's no different than mourning the loss of one loved one while still being surrounded by others who are still living.

There's a lot to the healing process of losing a child. It's been nearly 5 months and there are still some moments that it feels as if it just happened. Other times I can't help but succumb to the "what if's". There are so many! I have never really been a person who lives my life looking backwards and wishing I'd done something differently or regretted my decisions because I live my life believing in fate and that I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not done and gone through what I have. But this particular event has shaken those belief's and made me feel more regret, sorrow and pain than I've ever known in my life.

Even wih all of this, though, I would not change what we did. I was so grateful and filled with joy when we finally heard the words "you're pregnant" and although the game has made a few last minute changes, I have a beautiful, healthy and happy baby boy that I get to wrap in my arms every day. I'm not saying if I could change what happened I wouldn't - I want to hold both of my babies and cover them with kisses. But, I do realize I am not living the worst case scenario. And although it is still difficult to accept the fates on this one, I love my family and feel very thankful to have a husband that loves me enough to take these risks with me, even if it means altering his own plans and being vulnerable to pain.

Charlie's socks are the matching set to the one's Emilee also got
for Oliver for Christmas.

SRPING! At Last!

We just got back from a beautiful spring walk. The trees have blossoms, the birds are chirping and the neighborhood is covered in trash. Yeah, gross.

This got me thinking - wouldn't it be kind of a fun tradition to start with Charlie to do a "spring clean up" in our neighborhood to importance of hard work and service? I know, how Christian of me, right?

So, on the second half of the walk, I started thinking more about other things I want to do with Charlie. So many people say the time goes so fast and before you know it, they're all grown up and you're full of regrets of things you wish you'd done or fading memories of what used to be. I started to semi-panic for a moment, then I remembered that I have a place to keep track of all the things I want to do with life - right here. Blogging for me is not so much about other people reading my silly ramblings, but more about a place to put my thoughts and memories for later recollection. It also serves as a wonderful outlet on occasion, for the times I just need to get stuff out but can't find the voice to say.

I have been actively pinning on Pinterest for the better part of 7 months now and in that time have added a few great ideas of things to do with kids to give them one heck of a childhood and some fond memories for mom. I have a few ideas of my own, too. So I've started my Baby Bucket List. These are things I want to do with my kids - not just Charlie, but the older kids, too - before they're too old to want to play with mom and dad, or they move out of the house.

Some of these things are just daily reminders for me to keep in mind while raising my kids but some of them are specific activities I want to be sure they get to experience. Some are from my childhood, some are things I wish I would have done, and some are things I have always wanted to do.

Although this blog, as I just mentioned, is more for my own use, I would love to hear from any of my readings that want to share their ideas of what to add to the list. Email me or leave a comment if you want to share something.

I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but being a mom rocks!

Grandpa and Charlie, 4 months

I Weigh How Much?

Before I get to my frustration with my impending weight loss saga, let me first share the good news.

Charlie has started to grab his toes! He figured out how to wrap his fingers around those chubby little appendages while I was visiting my mom last week. He can't seem to keep his hands off of them since. Luckily, I got it on video! I know, I'm totally one of "those mom's" that will not keep the camera out of his face. But these kinds of things are too soon forgotten, so I don't mind being a bit obsessed.

He is also laughing now. He loves the tickle bugs and has laughed for me, Kevin and our nanny now. It's one of the most pure forms of joy to hear your baby laugh for the first time.

He has gone two consecutive nights with sleeping through the night - completely. He went to bed at 9 and didn't wake up until 6 the next morning. Hallelujah because I was getting really tired of the "up every two hours" bit he has been doing for the past week.

This is weird, and I'll admit, a bit gross, but I look forward to poopy diapers. Charlie has had a few times where he's gone more than a day or two without having one and I get nervous. I mean, he's only eating breast milk and formula...how difficult is that to pass through a tiny baby system? Thankfully he's back to his old 2 a day routine - for now, at least.

I have taken Charlie for a couple of walks now that the weather is starting to get nice. He loves it! The first time it was a bit breezy so I had the bassinet closed up and he fell asleep pretty quick. Yesterday, it was bright and sunny so he got a chance to look around, hear the birdees chirp and listen to all the loud cars and trucks as they passed. He didn't fuss once and fell asleep about 5 minutes before we got home - a perfect power nap!

My hair isn't falling out as much anymore. I think I've lost most of what I'll expect to lose. I didn't realize how much thicker my hair had gotten until it all fell out again. Now it feels like it used to - thin and not much to it. As Charlie gets older and starts into the hair pulling stages, I plan to get a nice short a-line cut so grasping fingers can't pull mommy's hair out.

Here's something weird I didn't expect. My c-section scar has completely re-wired my nerve endings in my tummy area. I can touch one place and feel it in a completely unrelated area. It's almost as if it feels numb - kind of like when you start to get the feeling back in your face after you've been at the dentist to have a cavity filled. The scar is relatively small and doesn't bother me much. I also still don't have many stretch marks - woohoo! There were a few that showed up about a week after I had the babies, but they are negligible so I don't mind. I was certain I was going to have them from side to side, given how prone I am to them, but I guess I didn't really get that big for twins. I think most of them are from when the doctor yanked them out anyway and didn't really come from the pregnancy growth part of things.

I've been thinking about Oliver a lot. Sometimes it's a passing thought, other times I dwell a bit longer. I didn't even get a chance to know him, really, but I miss him like crazy. I often think how things would be different if he were here with his brother. Obviously things would be much harder but I still can't help but feel a bit cheated out of getting the experience of my two boys. We picked out his grave marker a few weeks ago and it should be arriving soon. I'll post a picture when we visit next time.

Now, I expected to gain weight while I was pregnant. I expected to have a hard time losing weight after I was not pregnant. But I also expected to believe all these women who tell me the pounds would just "fall off" if I breastfed. Balonee (and yes, I'm aware it is spelled "bologna", but I hate spelling it that way because that's not at all how it's pronounced). I have been at the same steady weight since we brought Charlie home from the hospital. This is especially troubling as I now carry an extra 20 pounds that I can't really account for. I mean, while the babies were inside, sure, I could explain that away all day long. But it's been 4 months now and I haven't lost (although the upside is I also haven't gained) a single pound, other than the daily fluctuations.

Kevin's family is doing it's annual Garnest Loser challenge which means the competitive side of me gets to come out and play and hopefully lose some weight and gain some money in the process. I've got a goal to lose the 20 pounds I've gained, plus the 10 I probably should have lost before I even got pregnant. That's a hefty goal - pun intended - but so far I'm on track to make it. I'm not doing anything crazy. No fad diets, no starvation modes, just eating 6 small square meals a day with lots of protein and minimal calories. The good news is, everything in my meal plan is something I actually like, except maybe the egg whites, so it isn't hard to stick to it. It's just a matter of keeping the motivation to prep everything but even that isn't so bad.

Wish me luck - I'm working toward losing almost 19% of my current weight. Yikes! That's a tall order!