Happy Christmas

Meeting grandma for the first time

I take it back. Now I feel like many things have changed. For one thing, I haven't slept in my own bed since we brought Charlie home (but lets be honest: I haven't slept much anywhere). Thankfully, we have a comfortable reclining couch, but I miss my bed. And my husband.

Riley is so happy to finally have a brother. He should be after
6 sisters!






I have been able to wake up a little earlier as Charlie usually only wakes up two or three times a night to eat now so I don't miss quite as much sleep. However, I find my days disappear before they begin. The routine consists of waking up around 9, feeding on boob 1, changing the diaper, feeding on boob 2, burping, getting caught up on work emails, trying to find something for breakfast, feeding on boob 1 again, pumping, checking on work emails again, change diaper, doing some laundry or dishes, realizing how late in the afternoon it is, trying to take a nap, not being able to nap, feeding on boob 2, work, burping, realizing Kevin will be home in less than half an hour and not having any idea what we're having for dinner, change diaper, feed on boob 1, or was it boob 2?, heating up a frozen burrito for dinner, staying up for the 10 o'clock feeding in hopes I can get Charlie full enough to sleep until 1, feeding, diaper, oh, now I can take a break to pee...  

Mom and Charlie taking a nap the day we came home from
the hospital



And then all over again the next day. Where is there time for anything else? I have all these projects I want to work on. I thought I'd have oodles of time to do said projects now that I'm home...and especially with a newborn who sleeps all the time. Nope! So far, all I've managed to do is organize one cupboard which is where all the baby stuff is. My house is in complete disarray. I don't even remember the last time I dusted. Good thing Kevin hasn't noticed - or at least hasn't said anything yet.

Charlie is starting to enjoy his bath time more and more. I've learned to make sure he's awake for a few minutes before plopping him in his tub. As long as it's a slow transition, he likes to sit back, relax and let mom and dad pamper him. It's still tough keeping his fingernails short enough to where he doesn't destroy his face. He wears a lot of jams with mittens which helps a lot. Unfortunately, he pees on himself because his diapers are still big on his little body so we do a lot of laundry to keep the mitten jams available. 

First bath - how many hands does it take to clean a baby?



So all in all, everything is going well. Charlie got spoiled this Christmas and although most of his presents were utilitarian, they will be very handy and practical. One of his presents was a video monitor by Levana. It's pretty cool...the monitor is color, has two way speaker/talking, night vision, music, night light and lots of other cool features that make it awesome. It had pretty good reviews online so I'm looking forward to using it.

The monitor won't be very handy until he is able and willing to sleep in his crib, though. He hasn't slept in his cradle for...wow, I don't remember the last time. I find he sleeps almost twice as long if he sleeps with me on the couch and I cherish my sleepy time. I'm now starting to regret this spoilage though because he rarely sleeps without being held, cuddled or touched. Even during the day. Curses! 

Clean and snuggly after the bath



My mom is coming to stay with me for a while after the first of the year. I know she's going to be a big help and will enjoy getting to spend some time with little baby. He is, very probably, the last grandchild on my side. Therefore, I'm sure serious spoilage is going to ensue. I can't say I'm terribly opposed to it, though. He's just too cute not to spoil!
 

This set of jammies is size 0-3 months. It appears Charlie
is being swallowed by yards of fabric.

 

Hanging out at nap time.



 

Poppin' his collar and lookin' fly for the ladies.


 

Emilee, Charlie and I hanging around the house























Bright eyed and bushy tailed!



One of my favorites. Emilee fell asleep holding Charlie
before our family Christmas party. I didn't want to wake
them up they looked so sweet.



Charlie has many unique positions he prefers to sleep. This is
one of them.



First Christmas jams! These actually fit.



I've Survived...

...the first week.

Charlie has been home with us for almost 2 full weeks now. Perhaps it's because I was expecting having twins at home, but I haven't felt that huge "change" everyone has told me to expect. Don't get me wrong, the late night feedings are tiresome and instead of getting up before 8 I'm lucky to roll out of bed before 10, but much still seems the same.

Kevin went back to work this week leaving Charlie and I to get accustomed to TCOB (taking care of business) on our own. One thing that was nice having Kevin for was the morning feeding, around 8. Then I could make up the hours I missed while he could spend some time with the bubs. But with Kevin out of the house by 7:30, that leaves me to get him fed and changed. I feel like such a bum sleeping until 10 or 11. My days seem to disappear since there's less of them to have. But, so far I've been able to take care of my work responsibilities, keep up with the laundry, feed and change the baby and even do some light cooking and a load of dishes here and there. Not bad considering I'm only awake for a few hours a day!

Charlie has the worst case of hiccups I've ever seen. The funny thing is, for the past 3 weeks while I was pregnant with him, he would ALWAYS get the hiccups. At least twice a day, sometimes more. This has passed on to external babyville, too. Kevin told me his mom used to have a trick for getting rid of them when he was little. She would give the kids a cap full of lemon juice and the hiccups would magically disappear. We thought maybe it had something to do with the fact that you were just focusing on the hiccups (kind of like the spoonful of sugar thing), but whatever the reason, it really does work! We just dip his binkie into some juice and have him suck on it, and voila: No more hiccups.

He is full of character. I love just watching him make all of his faces when he's awake. One minute he looks like he's about to burst into tears and the next, he's making a Blue Steel face (see photo on left for those that are unfamiliar with Zoolander).

He has started crying more the last couple of days, but I think much of that has to do with his increasingly sore bum. His poor cheeks just keep getting more and more red. I use the bum cream every time I change him, but it just seems to be inevitable. His diapers barely fit onto his tiny little body right now making leaks harder to control. Sometimes I'll go to change him only to discover he's got a big ol' pee spot on the back of his jammies.

Kevin is in charge of baths and he gets them every other day. I got a tip from one of the NICU nurses to throw their towel and PJ's into the dryer so they'll be nice and toasty warm after the bath. Charlie seems to appreciate this so far.

He's getting more baby acne on his forehead but I'm not worried about it. I'm sure it'll calm down in the next few weeks and he doesn't seem to mind it. Keeping his nails trimmed is difficult. I try to trim them while he's sleeping to he isn't flailing his arms everywhere while I'm using sharp clippies. If he's wearing something that doesn't cover his hands, he seems determined to scratch the living crap out of his face. The hand mittens, although a great concept, never stay on his hands for more than a few minutes at a time and are more trouble to put on his hands than it's worth. I wonder how many more of those "baby inventions" I have yet to discover that seem like a good idea but are really more of a nuisance.

My sister in law posted on her blog about the amazing baby shower she put together for me. I want to talk more about this later, but if you want to see pictures and see how awesome she is before I have a chance to write about it, visit her blog here.

Good News, Bad News

Most of my readers are already aware of what's happened in the last 2 weeks, but for any of my readers that aren't, here is the Cliff's Notes version.

We went in for the surgery early Friday morning. The nurses couldn't seem to find a heartbeat for Baby B. This wasn't terribly alarming because I knew they had a hard time finding it at the NST scan a few weeks earlier. They didn't seem too concerned, either because it's more difficult to find unique heartbeats with multiples.

They continued to prep me for surgery and wheeled me into the room right on schedule. At this point, I was trying to concentrate on every little detail. I wanted to remember everything. I paid attention to the songs playing on the radio. I made a note of Kevin's facial expressions. I even focused on the smells in the room.

After the first 10 minutes, I heard a faint wailing followed by Kevin squeezing my hand and telling me that our first baby was here. Tears came to my eyes as I listened to his screams intensify. I had a very calm sensation come over me as I realized I was - holy crap - a mom! I patiently laid there while I waited to hear a second cry fill the room. I waited. And waited. But nothing came. I knew the baby was out, but I thought maybe he was just taking a little longer to get his lungs going. I kept waiting. Then Kevin asked the anesthesiologist to check on what was happening, because there were so many people surrounding his bed he couldn't see what was going on. When he came back, he whispered something to Kevin that I couldn't hear, but two words struck me and immediately made my mouth go dry: No Heartbeat. Kevin squeezed my hand again and told me they were working on him, but he had a lot of gunk in his lungs and they were still working on him to get him to breath on his own.

I listened to the song on the radio as I tried to convince myself everything was ok, they were going to bring him back. Don't panic. But after what felt like an hour, they told us they had done everything they could and they just couldn't bring him back. They worked on him for a full 45 minutes.

After a whirlwind day of nurses, doctors, chaplains, and visitors, Kevin and I were left to deal with the realization that one of our babies didn't make it. The hospital staff was never really sure what happened. Baby B was 2 full pounds smaller than his big brother. He also showed signs of distress at the time of birth which made them think something had happened between our last ultrasound and the delivery. We'll never know for sure.

We buried our precious baby Oliver Wilson on Wednesday morning while his brother, Charlie Martin, waited for us in the NICU back at the hospital. We were so blessed to have so many loving people reach out to us and comfort us during what was the best and worst moment of my life. People we don't even know were offering condolences and helping us through our grief. We had neighbors making us dinners, volunteers bringing us teddy bears and hospital staff stopping by just to listen. It was overwhelming to see how many people cared and wanted to be there for us.

Charlie was admitted to the NICU mostly as a precaution due to the circumstances with Ollie. He was immediately treated with a round of antibiotics, then another round shortly after. He spent some time under the UV lights but was otherwise a completely healthy little baby. He was born at 5 pounds 15 ounces and was 17 1/2" - not bad for a twin baby!

He started breastfeeding immediately and caught on super quick. It seemed he knew what he was doing - I was the one learning what to do. My milk came in after 3 days and has been a waterfall ever since.

After spending a week in the NICU, he was finally able to come home. I haven't been able to let go of him since. I constantly want to hold, kiss, touch or otherwise interact with him (even if it's changing a poopy diaper!). Sometimes I share him with Kevin and let him hold him for a few minutes, but I still stare at him out of the corner of my eye, in awe that this is my child. I couldn't sleep very well for the first couple of nights, waiting to hear his breath, watching his blankets to make sure his chest was rising, touching his cheek to make sure it was warm. I'm sure this is common for most first time parents as it is, but especially after our tragedy, I am even more paranoid and cautious.

We took him to his first appointment on Tuesday. He is gaining weight and is doing great. He is such a brave boy! He rarely cries, even when his mom is dressing him up in his cute outfits and blinding him with camera flashes non stop. His body is so tiny and I'm afraid I'm going to break him. Holding him when he's naked is so strange - it's like holding a warm bag of hot dogs. His arms and legs are still so skinny but he has a big ol' pot belly. The black belly button thing fell off a couple days ago, so he's easier to bathe now. He eats about every 3 hours or so, sometimes longer. The nighttime feedings, although not something I LOVE, aren't that bad. It's kind of nice to spend some quiet time together, just listening to him breathe, rocking back and forth, letting his tiny hand wrap around my finger. Sometimes I'm too tired to put him back in his cradle so I'll just lay there with him and hold him while we sleep.

I miss my baby Oliver more than I can explain, but I feel so incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to raise this beautiful baby. Suffering the loss of a child is not a pain I would wish on anyone. I know it's going to take time before I can fully accept and move on from the loss, but I truly believe Charlie was given to me as a way to help me cope with the pain and remind me of life's joys and blessings.

So Close

I just spoke to the doctor. Apparently, someone delivered today which opened up an earlier spot for us tomorrow! We will now have babies in less than 24 hours! How can I even explain what's going through my head right now?

So much anxiety, fear, anticipation, restlessness...I can't even compartmentalize all of the emotions. My legs kind of went numb just thinking about it. Preparation for the spinal, I'd imagine.

I've spent the morning double checking my mental to-do lists to frantically resolve anything I could have possibly forgotten. The video camera is charging as we speak, the hospital bag is ready to go, I'm drinking water like crazy and notifying family of the changes. I guess this is prepared as one can feel when you're about to take on the responsibility of two fragile little lives.

This past week has been the most miserable. Even sitting is now unbearable because everything squishes up into my ribcage and I can't catch my breath. Standing is equally as uncomfortable because the extra weight makes my legs and feet sore and they tingle from lack of circulation and swelling. Laying down causes its own problems such as heartburn and an aching belly. All I can say is, the last week of pregnancy has to be natures way of preparing women to finally say, ENOUGH - give me the pains of labor, just get these things out of me!

I was able to get a few last minute projects wrapped up earlier this week. I finished the cupcake stand for my baby shower next weekend, completed the thank you gift I've been working on for my sister-in-law who is throwing the shower and made the matching name sign for the nursery - although I didn't get them hung up yet. I guess I'll keep that on the to-do list a while longer.

I'm now laying in bed trying to find any comfort I can. I have a feeling tonight is going to be a restless night, much like the last few nights only magnified. I'll try to nap if I can, if nothing else just to make the time pass by more quickly.

I've come to terms with the c-section. We did confirm last night the babies still haven't flipped, no big surprise there. The doctor said they look to be good sized. He thinks baby B is around 6 or so pounds and baby A is a little smaller, probably around 5. That is a whole lotta baby up in there! No wonder my ribs feel like they are cracking!

We asked a lot of questions about the process and what to expect. It sounds like it should be a pretty smooth experience and should be over relatively quickly. There will be around 12 people in the room, possibly even more because of the fact there are twins. That's a whole lotta lack of privacy. I guess it won't be my lady magic out and about at least.

Well, I'm not sure when my next post will be. Hopefully I'll be able to do a quick recap before I forget all the details. Wish me luck! The next time you hear from me, I'll be a momma to two twin boys!

I'm sitting at home watching Sex and the City, waiting for 12:00 to roll around so I can start working. If I try to get out of my comfy reclining chair, my belly tightens immediately and doesn't stop until I'm sitting down again.

The weekend was nice, though. We did a little bit of shopping on Friday - including new glasses for Kevin and I - then spent the rest of the long weekend solving mysteries on the Wii.

I went through baby clothes last night and picked a couple new outfits for the hospital, just in case I change my mind. We also got the car seat bases installed in the van and the car seats clipped in. It took a little reading along with trial and error, but we got it figured out eventually. Clip in seats are so cool. I'm especially grateful to have them with two little babies; it would be a huge pain to have to deal with the in's and out's of regular car seats anytime we went anywhere.

I made it past the 11/11/11 hump in the hospital. Now if I do go into labor, I don't have to worry as much about having to sleep on a cot in the janitors closet because there are no beds or nurses available.

My oldest nephew turned 17 yesterday which made me start to think about how the last two decades have flown by. I vividly remember him as a newborn, then at 6 months, a year, 5 years...It's reminding me to cherish the moments because they are gone before you know it.

Well, one of the babies just kicked the laptop so I guess that's my cue: Time to close up shop for the day. Can't wait for my mid-afternoon nap!

8 Days

I've been living the reality of what it feels like to have that dream where you're naked and you can't seem to find the sense to put any clothes on because you're too frozen with fear to do anything.

Yes friends, it is now 8 days until I'll be holding these little ones - but no longer in my belly. I've had my hospital bag packed and ready to go for about a week now. I looked at a lot of suggestions but in the end decided to keep it pretty simple. I have some trial size toiletries, a couple different loose fitting jammie type things and all the paperwork I'll need such as my disability insurance claim form, the pre-authorization from the insurance company and insurance info. The hospital probably already has most if not all of this on file, but better safe than sorry.

I"ve been working from home for the last week and I have to say - it's awesome. I'm so thankful my employer was able to work with me and allow me to do things from home. It will help financially for sure.

I joined Sam's Club on Monday. I bought my first pack of diapers and wipes. I've always heard they were expensive. But crap. Diapers are expensive. Wipes aren't exactly cheap, either.

I've been able to keep most of my regular routine up but it is definitely harder (even more so) to sleep well. Peeing, tossing, turning, aching, etc. Lot's of that. My belly is out again - the shrinking thing has all but disappeared. I'm short of breath much of the time and heartburn is rottenly constant. The doctor told me last night I still have "a little more room to grow" - I wanted to punch him. There is no more room, sir.

Speaking of the doctor, we had another appointment last night. Baby still hasn't turned, so it appears surgery is the way we'll go. I've come to accept the fact and although I still don't find it ideal, I just want these babies outta here in the healthiest way possible. He expects them to be about 5 pounds each which is small, but average for twins. He also said he saw breathing movements on the ultrasound which shows their lungs are developed enough they shouldn't have complications once born and hopefully -fingers and toes crossed - won't have any time in the NICU. Since I'll be having a c-section, I will probably be in the hospital for 3 days intead of 2. That means we won't be going home until Sunday evening or Monday morning - I'm not sure what they count as a "day". Thankfully, Kevin will get to stay home with me for nearly two whole weeks! It's going to be nice having him home and bonding with our babies. Once he goes back to work, my mom is going to come help out for a week or two. I can't even explain how thankful I am to have this help; I know I'm going to need it!

My favorite thing at the moment is to be somewhere and have someone ask when I'm due. I tell them, "next Friday" and they suddenly act like I'm a nuclear warhead about to explode at any second. Speaking of exploding things, I went to Babies 'R Us yesterday to scope out some of their stuff and noticed some "spots" on parts of their carpetting. I should have taken a picture, but I didn't. However, I'm pretty sure those spots were places where waters had broken and birth processes had begun. Then I thought about how awesome it is that I'm not working the week before I'm scheduled to deliver: I'm so glad I don't have to worry about my water breaking in the office! I'm sure they are, too.

Yesterday, I received my invitation to my baby shower. My mother-in-law drew and painted the birds. She is so talented! I love the little hats. My sister-in-law has been working tirelessly to make this a spectacular event. I don't know much as it is supposed to be a surprise, but I know her and I know it's going to be awesome. I didn't post the back because, well, it has addresses and such things which are probably not good things to post on the Internets, but trust me - the back is just as cute as the front.

My parents came to visit over the weekend. They showed up with a huge box full of clothes, blankets and other baby stuff. My mom works with another twin mom who recently had boy/girl twins and she was generous enough to donate some of her stuff to us. We had so much fun going through the box and seeing all the cute tiny things (thanks, Nicole!).

We have been so blessed throughout this pregnancy. It's made me realize just how many people we have in our lives that love us and how lucky we are to be adding to our family. It's reaffirmed that things really do happen for a reason and taught me even more lessons about patience (though I know I still have much to learn there). I can honestly say I had lost some of the hope that this day would ever come, yet here we are.

Change Your Life in Just Two Weeks!

We had a really good appointment last night. Although we didn't do any measurements this time, both babies hearts are still beating strong and they're right on track.

I complained to my doctor about what a horrible experience I had with the NST scan. He didn't exactly comfort me (you went on a Friday night at 6:00 right after a shift change??), but at least we talked about it and he said I don't have to go back but if something doesn't feel right or I haven't felt the babies move to go in and get checked out. So that's great!

We also set a date! If these kids aren't here before November 18th, they'll be forced into the world that day. That will be right between 37 and 38 weeks. Unfortunately, baby A is still breech so unless by some miracle he finally flips around, we'll be having a c-section at 12:00. So in just two weeks, I'm going to finally be able to see my little boys! It seems so surreal, but I'm so excited.